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Love can suck. Shit hurts. I’m kind of sensitive so it crushes me. I lost someone 7 months ago, but it feels like I officially lost her tonight. It makes me not want to love someone again anytime soon because well, I still love her and I don’t think I can emotionally commit to anyone else.

But, I approach everything in life with a logical sense. My logical sense right now is telling me to learn from what I did wrong and fix my shit because it can’t happen again.

You have to understand her first

This girl. I mean, she’s everything. Funny, energetic, so fucking smart, absolutely stunning (yup, that’s her in the picture), amazing travel partner, workaholic (which I loved), determined to do great things. She made everything fun. She would light up a room the second she walked in. And omg, so damn sweet.

She would make me smile ear to ear. I had never been happier in my entire life. I will remember this conversation forever. About two months into us dating, I’m talking to my mom on the phone and she says “I wonder how you know when you just know, like when she’s the one.” Without hesitation, I respond “She’s the one. I’m going to marry her.”

WTF happened?

Then I panicked. I ended it because I was in a really tough spot in my life. I hated what I was doing for work. My business was struggling. Mentally, just a bad spot. I started to act like a dick and I hated myself for it. Combine this with my really shitty habit of pushing people away when things get hard and I can really fuck things up.

Immediately after, I mean the next day, I knew I did something wrong. But in my mind, I always tell myself I did something for a reason. Whether I know what that reason is or not, I did it and I have to stick with it.

What’s happened the next 7 months

For a while, we didn’t talk much. We went our separate ways. I tried dating and it was useless. Absolutely no interest in anyone else.

I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Every day. I mean, every single day she is in my mind. I would talk to my friends and family, the response was always the same “I still love her and I still want to marry her.”

After 5 months or so of this feeling never leaving, I knew it was for real. I couldn’t ignore it anymore. This wasn’t normal for me. I typically get over relationships and really anything in life pretty fast because I always believe I made the right decision….Nope. Not right now. It set in that I seriously fucked up.

Then what happened

It was decided that I couldn’t just let this go. I always believe you have to go for what you want and dammit, I’m getting this girl back.

I start reaching out to her. Trying to work my way into seeing her any way I could. She turned me down a lot. I mean a lot! Good thing I’m good at sales and can take this rejection. But I tell you when she said yes, I was so damn happy. I couldn’t wait to see her.

We would play racquetball, grab some lunch, get coffee. I saw her a few times over the next couple months. Every time, feeling I was just a bit closer to getting the love of my life back.

She’s officially gone

I started to really lay it on. Letting her know how I felt, how much she means to me, what kind of future I was hoping for with her.

It wasn’t the same. I could tell she wasn’t feeling the same way. So I just poured everything out to her. I made sure to give her an out so she didn’t feel trapped or like she was going to hurt me. I just really needed to know if there was any chance at all.

And just like that, the words were said I never wanted to hear. She was gone. I’m not mad at her for it. I never deserved her back. I lost her 7 months ago and she left my life tonight.

The truth is I’m happy for her. I love her and will always love her.

What now

I 100% believe you need to learn from every situation. No situation is that bad if you learn something. So I need to fix some stuff on my end so I don’t screw another relationship up. Pick myself up and know when I have a good thing, it’s a good thing. They are few and far between and never take in granted.